1. You know that feeling? That feeling when you just want the right thing to fall into the right place, not only because it’s right, but because it will mean that such a thing is still possible? I want to believe that.

2. When I picked up the phone, I realized that out of the billions of people on the planet, you were the one I wanted to speak to the most. It was like the deepest part of me took control and said what it felt, unafraid of embarrassment or rejection or any of that other stuff that normally leaves me paralyzed with fear. I didn’t think. I just was.

3. See, you're a better person than I am, and it made me a better person to be around you. I don't know, maybe it was all just a dream. Maybe I woke up one lonely night in December and imagined it all. But I swear, nothing has ever felt so real. And if you get on that plane, I'll disappear forever. And I know we could both go on with our lives and we'd be fine. But I have seen what we could be together, and I choose us.

4. Regret comes in all shapes and sizes. Some are small, like when we do a bad thing for a good reason. Some are bigger, like when you let down a friend. Some of us escape the pain of regret by making the right choice. Some of us have little time for regret because we're looking forward to the future. Sometimes we have to fight to come to terms with the past, and sometimes we bury our regret by promising to change your own ways. But, our biggest regrets are not for the things we did - but, for the things we didn't do. Things we didn't say that could've saved someone that we care about. Especially when we can see the dark storm that's headed their way.

5. I’m not always as confident as I seem. There are many nights and many days when all I want is to be held. I love being held. Always. Sometimes I don’t want to talk about what is bothering me. Sometimes I just want a hug. Someone who will let me cry. I like when boys cry in front of me - when people aren’t afraid to show what they’re really feeling. I don’t like when people run from their true feelings because it doesn’t do anyone any good. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I am not naive. I know what it feels like to be completely broken and I am all too familiar with what it means to be hurt. I know what it’s like to see something funny and not laugh. I’ve been taken advantage of, used, and abused. My feelings have been blatantly disregarded. But I still believe that all people are good at heart. And my trust in people has not diminished. To be completely honest, I hope it never does. Ever.

6. What's worse than wanting something you can't have? It's not knowing what you want. Wishing on all the stars in the sky for the answers to your questions, for something to believe in... someone to hold. Having absolutely no control over yourself, being caught up in a place you wish you were miles away from. Being stuck somewhere between the past and the future, nowhere near where you should be - in the present. Stuck in yesterdays and tomorrows, so far from home, far from everything you know and love. The uncertainty could just tear you to bits.

7. Does it break my heart? Of course. Every moment of every day, into more pieces than my heart was made of. I never thought of myself as quiet, much less silent. I never thought about things at all. Everything changed, and that distance wedged itself between me and my happiness. It wasn't the world, and it wasn't the bombs and burning buildings. It was me and my thinking, the cancer of never letting go. Is ignorance bliss? I don't know, but it's so painful to think. And tell me, what did thinking ever do for me? To what place did thinking ever bring me? I think and I think and I think. I've thought myself out of happiness a million times, but never once into it.

8. I watch you from a distance. I remember all of those instances.. when you smile, when you laugh, when you crash, when I'm there to catch you when you fall. And I miss you, and I wish you were here. I stopped breathing when you said you don't care anymore. Tell me that you're doing fine. I still remember every time. And everyone I know will say, that you are always a part of me. And I miss you like you never knew.

9. So I stopped watching, I stopped caring. I lost all interest, and I stopped wearing these plastic smiles. I'll wash my hands clean. I'll forget that you forgot about me. And I'll live the life, the big city feeling, cause it's better than suburban dreaming. Living off the friends that hate you, who talk shit on me. Like I don't know who my real friends are anymore. No, I don't know you anymore.

10. I watched you sleeping quietly in my bed. You don't know this now, but there's some things that need to be said. It's all that I can hear, it's more than I can bear. What if I fall and hurt myself, would you know how to fix me? What if I went and lost myself, would you know where to find me? If I forgot who I am, would you please remind me? ‘Cause without you things go hazy.

You exist but do you live?

1. Please know there are much better things in life than being lonely or liked or bitter or mean or self-conscious. We are all full of shit. Go love someone just because. I know your heart may be badly bruised, or even the victim of numerous knifings, but it will always heal. Even if you don't want it to, it keeps going. There are the most fantastic, beautiful things and people out there, I promise. It is up to you to find them.

2. I swear to you I'll try my best. I won't let you fall. I won't let another goddamn tear run down your face. You're everything, and I need you to see that. I'm sorry I haven't treated you well in the past. I'm sorry I gave up on you. I'm here now, and I'm not going to sit back and watch you lose yourself this time. I promise you that. Let's get something straight here - I loved you. I loved you with everything I had in me, but it was never good enough for you. I was never good enough for you. I would have done anything to keep you by my side, but you pushed me away for so long that I gave up. I'm walking away from this and I can promise I'm never looking back. It's going to hurt and it's going to be tough, but I can't keep on going with the way things are between us. It's over, and it's been over for the longest time. We both just didn't want to believe it. As much as it kills me to say this, we aren't meant to be in each other's lives anymore. We aren't the same two people we used to be. We've changed. You're not the same boy I fell in love with. That boy... well, he's gone. So what's the point in loving him if he doesn't exist anymore? I wanted to be with the guy who fought for me more than anyone ever had, the guy who led me to believe that when I was with him I had nothing to worry about, the guy who I thought was different from all the rest. But it turns out, I was completely wrong. You left me so many times when I needed you the most. Every time I begged you to stay, you always found a reason to leave. So now, as you sit here begging me not to let go, I, for once, can't think of a reason to stay. Yeah, I do love you, but being in love with you isn't enough anymore. Our love isn't enough anymore. I have to walk away from this, even though it's probably going to destroy me.

3. I can’t help it. I can’t help caring. I’m forced. I’m too weak to restrain myself from you. I can’t help looking for you in a crowd. I can’t help thinking of you in the middle of night, day, or anytime at all. I can’t help wishing that you would love me. I can’t help waiting until the moment we talk again. I can’t help wanting to be more than just friends. I can’t help the way I love you. Although I wish I could. Sometimes I just wonder why I love you the way I do; but I don’t have a reason. I just simply fell in love with you.

4. I'm mad at myself, not you. I'm mad for always being nice, always apologizing for things I didn't do, for getting attached, for making you my life, depending on you, wasting my time on you, thinking about you, following you, changing for you, forgiving you, wishing for you, dreaming of you, and most of all for not hating you which I know I should, but can't.

5. I've been burdened by you for much too long. What started out as nothing is now, well, everything. You've taken over every single aspect of my life. Every little thing I do, everything just all comes down to you. I cry, scream, throw things and hurt myself all because of you. Nothing makes sense anymore and I just want to be happy again. I'd do anything.

6. I miss knowing you were always there. I miss the security. I miss the stupid fights that either made us shut up until next time or somehow made us stronger. I miss holding your hand. I miss biting your lip because I was so mad that you held back. I miss you holding back. I miss you not holding back. I miss your scruff and always being amazed that I walked away without severe beard-burn. I miss hearing you gasp and begging me to stop. I miss those nights when we didn’t want to stop. I miss getting so f-ing pissed at something you would say or do and trying to deal with it on my own until you made me fess up. I miss surprising you. I miss being surprised by the glimpses of your humanity every now and then. I miss the look you’d get when I’d touch your cheek. I miss how you thought you were so stealth with your mood changes when you really can’t hide them from me. I miss how I always knew where I stood. I think I miss your hugs the most. Didn’t need them often, but now when I do, it sucks to know you’re not around to give them.

I'm losing what's left of my dignity.

1. Somehow I wasn't meant to have you then, not even for a day. I tore my heart and skin out thinking about you, suffered through a life lived without you, hoping you'd come back when it was time.

2. I know it's a bit sudden okay, but yesterday was a great day. And I'm sitting on the bus, and I realize that none of my great days in my life matter without you. You're the one I want next to me when my dreams come true. You're the one I want next to me if they don't. As long as I have you, nothing else matters.

3. In the short time we spent together, we had what most people can only dream about, and I’m counting the days until I can see you again. Never forget how much I love you.

4. I’m sorry, but I love you so much. I hope I do end up with you, because I just can’t take it anymore. You’re always my mind, night and day. You’re such a distraction for me, even being miles and miles away. My future gets brought up often by everyone. What am I doing? Where am I going? I don’t know. I just know I want to be with you. These people here, they don’t get me. They don’t do it for me, they just don’t. I love you. I always have and I always will. I’ve always known it. I’ve always known that you were the one. And I can’t help myself anymore. I want to be with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I’m sick of feeling so lost, so misunderstood, feeling like I don’t belong. When you’re here, it all goes away. I need you. We can make it together, I know it. I have faith in you, in us. Whenever you’re ready, I’m here. I hope you realize one day that it’s me. Because I’m always going to be here. You’re the one.

5. I miss the simplicity of just being without trying, while everyone else was striving to be someone. I miss being accepted for who I am with you. I miss how it was natural to hold your hand. How we could feel each other smiling between kisses. How even when I asked for space, you knew enough to never leave. Now that you're gone, I seem to have more space than I know what to do with.

6. You've changed so much. I guess that's what happens. I wish you knew how much you've changed me. I wonder if I've changed you, if your life is different because of me.. because mine's different. My God, you taught me so much, and now we don't even talk to each other. I guess that's what happens.

7. You know that feeling of waiting for someone. I mean really waiting for someone - standing in front of a restaurant in the cold and having hundreds of people pass you on the sidewalk. And you don't want to do anything else, because you're afraid you might miss something - that somehow if you don't spot him right away, he'll walk right by. So you stand there and you don't do anything except think about how you're standing there. Occasionally you might look at your watch, or check your cell phone to see if it's accidentally on silent, even though you already checked for that a minute ago. That's what this is starting to feel like.

8. I'm sorry things went so downhill. We were so sure things were going to be amazing and spectacular, but now I'm starting to see everything I didn't want to believe. I'm sorry I stopped loving you. I'm sorry you did, too. Maybe things aren't meant to be. I'm going to miss you, but it's time we hold our heads high, bite our lips and get over each other. I think it's the best way. Maybe we'll find someone better. Then again, maybe we won't.

9. The way you make me feel is unlike anything I've ever experienced before. You make me feel like I'm dying and flying and living and that my heart just stopped beating but yet is pumping ninety miles per hour all in one moment. You make me feel invisible but vulnerable, but like nothing could ever bring me down. You make me feel like I'm free, and yet trapped by your every move. You leave me breathless, and yet are the only thing that keeps me breathing. You control my every thought, movement, heartbeat. You've got me, all of me, and that's all I can give.

10. You once decided that you didn't want me anymore, but I never gave up on you. And I have no idea why. I probably should have and I definitely wanted to. Maybe a little part of my heart knew that you would come around again.

Say goodnight and go.

1. I'm not sure you understand what this means to me, what you do to me. I'm willing to prove that you're the one. I regret to slip away. Now I know it was only you that I've been searching for, been missing all this time.

2. Did I ever tell you that I really love you, and I think about you all day? That I really miss you and wish I could kiss you. But why are you so far away? Since you've been gone, I've thought over and over about you inside my head and where I went wrong. Everyday I've been thinking a lot about all of the things you'd say since I went away. I guess I could call you and ask you "How are you?", but I really don't have much to say. So I sit all alone and I stare at the phone, and I hope that you're doing okay.

3. It's amazing what one person can do. Some people build you up just to bend and break you. Some people bring out parts of you that you had no clue existed. All throughout life, we meet people and every single one of them brings something to us, gives us some sort of purpose. We come across people that will hurt us so incredibly much that it seems unbearable to go on with our lives, but the truth is, we can overcome anything we want to if we believe in it enough, if we have faith in ourselves, in who we are. The most important thing in life is to find yourself. Know who you are at all times and stand by that for the rest of your life. No one has to the right to tell you who you are and control your life, 'cause it's yours. Your life is meant to be lived by no one else but yourself. We sometimes let people get the best of us, destroy us and change our opinions on what we believe is true. Only you know what's right for yourself. You have the power, you make the choices and you learn. Each experience we go through in a life is a lesson to be learned. We all make mistakes. Why is that so hard for some to understand? No one should be judged by the mistakes they have made. It's past news. Everything happens for a reason, and without the hard times, how would we ever realize our true strength? It's only through a time of suffering when we realize how strong we truly are inside, when we realize how much we can actually put up with and deal with before we eventually break.

4. Let's get something straight here - I loved you. I loved you with everything I had in me, but it was never good enough for you. I was never good enough for you. I would have done anything to keep you by my side, but you pushed me away for so long that I gave up. I'm walking away from this and I can promise I'm never looking back. It's going to hurt and it's going to be tough, but I can' keep on going with the way things are between us. It's over, and it's been over for the longest time. We both just didn't want to believe it. As much as it kills to say this, we aren't meant to be in each other's lives anymore. We aren't the same two people we used to be. We've changed. You're not the same boy I fell in love with. That boy, well, he's gone. So what's the point in loving him if he doesn't exist anymore? I wanted to be with the guy who fought for me more than anyone ever had, the guy who led me to believe when I was with him I had nothing to worry about, the guy who I thought was different from all the rest. But it turns out, I was completely wrong. You left me so many times when I needed you the most. Every time I begged you to stay, you always found a reason to leave. So now, as you sit here begging me not to let go, I, for once, can't think of a reason to stay. Yeah, I do love you, but being in love with you isn't enough anymore. Our love isn't enough anymore. I have to walk away from this, even though it's probably going to destroy me.

5. I can't help but remember everything. I mean, you see somebody and you think about all they've ever said and done - the good and the bad. It all comes back to you, and it feels so right and hurts so bad all at once.

6. I miss you when I drive past your house, stumble upon a meaningful song we both shared, and I start to remember the pain that our goodbye brought. And that hollow space is feeling more and more like the Grand Canyon with every second that goes by. And then you finally understand the worst feeling in the world is when the person you love the most is so far away from you.

7. I still believe someday you and me will find ourselves in love again. If there's one spark of hope left in my grasp, I'll be holding it with both hands. It's worth the risk of burning to have a second chance.

8. It's agony. Complete, excruciating agony. It's like your heart is being ripped out from your chest and stomped on. You can't breathe. You don't want to eat. You can't function. It's the most intense pain you'll ever feel, and the worst part is there's no way to relieve it. It's unyielding, merciless torture. And you know it's yours for life.

9. You can never have too much sky. You can fall asleep and wake up drunk on sky, and sky can keep you safe when you are sad. Here there is too much sadness and not enough sky. Butterflies too are few and so are flowers and most things that are beautiful. Still, we take what we can get and make the best of it.

10. Was I ever truly over him? At one time I was sure that the answer was yes. But if seeing him again - and merely touching his hand - could peel back so many layers of my heart, then did I ever stop loving him the way you're supposed to stop loving everyone but the one you're with?

---------------------------------------------------

Miss you guys! <3

I didn't get around to kiss you; goodbye on the hand.

I tried so hard to dig myself out but I was in too big a hole to escape now. The funny thing is, it's like you always kind of know that you're getting yourself into something that will end badly. There's always this instinctive gut-feeling telling you to stop now, save yourself before you fall too far in to make it out alive. But you never listen. We never listen. We're too content with the way things are going, convinced that everything is finally turning out right and happily ever after is just around the corner. But it's not. It's that belief; that's how we get stuck, broken, alone.

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Comments and subs have been really slow, even with my lack of updates, so I'm taking a bit of a hiatus. I don't know for how long, but there's so much in my life I have yet to figure out. I have to piece everything together again, and that's hard when you have barely any time on your hands between school, a job, and pole vault practice. I might get bored and update, but I can't make any promises. I will still be on occasionally to answer messages still, but not as frequently. I've posted over 300 quotes, and you're free to go back and look at them if you wish.