1. Ever been torn in two? As if you're not whole anymore, you've lost your smile, your laugh, your own self. And no matter how hard you try, you just can't get back to the way things were before. You can't get yourself back to the person you once were. It tears you in two, the uncertainty of it all.

2. I am yours completely. I only want to make you happy, to see it through that I live life to its fullest, the way you want me to. To do what's right in your eyes, to never stray from the side where the grass is greener. To strive to be the best person that I can be, because I only ever want to make you proud of me. And I know that you will always be there, when the world turns its back on me. Whenever I feel like I'm alone, I'll always be reminded that I will never be alone. Because I am yours to keep.

3. So many times I turned my back on the moment because I thought the moment was with you.

4. I want to fall between the creases inside your palms, or slip along the curve of your lips. And I don't mean this in a romantic way, I don't mean I want your lips on mine, I don't mean for you to touch me, I don't mean that I love you with every bit of myself. I just mean that you are something different, something strange, something new.

5. Can’t sleep anymore. Always tossing and turning, trying to drown out my thoughts. It never works. Never. I hate this, so bad, so much. I sat outside for awhile and the night was so still, quiet. The silence almost drove me insane but once I sat there and listened I realize it was nice, like for once I didn’t have to think about anything or anyone. It was just me and the stars and crickets and the silence of the night, like for once my life wasn’t a big old mess, chaos.

6. I don't want to go out there and meet new people. I don't want to. I'm tired of it. I'm tired and I’m scared. I already got my heart broken one too many times. I'm not ready to hand it out again. I guess what I’m afraid of is that I’ll find someone new, and fall in love with them, and then get hurt again. I don't want to go through that. I really don't. I mean, I do want someone to love and to be by my side, but I'm just afraid of falling in love again. I'm a walking contradiction: I want to fall in love, but at the same time, I don't want to experience the hurt and pain that is associated with it.

7. I know just how you feel, because I was just like you. And this story ends so fast, you burn your fingertips, and you can't get back the way you feel. This bitter year, you've wasted all of your tears on the only one who had never even cared. I still regret all the time that has walked right passed me. Hold your tongue when you say you wish you never met me. I'll pretend I'm okay, as I gently crumble.

8. Love will always come to those who still hope though they've been disappointed. Love comes to those who are strong enough to still believe though they've been betrayed. Love will come to those who still need it, though they've been hurt before. It comes to the one who have the courage and the faith to trust again.

9. Relationships are never easy.  Some days you're going to wake up and that love you know you have for the person in the bed next to you, isn't going to come so naturally.  We always say "no one told us it was going to be this hard" but they do.  We choose not to listen, because it seems so unreasonable that one day you will be able to keep your hands off of each other.  One day you will spend your free time, away from each other.  The only way you can make a relationship last is if you work at it every day and never give up on it.  Because if you take time to fight and argue and still can't imagine leaving them, then you love them.  And that's the kind of love that's forever.

10. I don’t know where I’m going, only know where I been. But you move through my soul like a hurricane wind. We’ve been so lost for so long, I don’t know how to get back again. And we’re drowning in the water that flows under this bridge. When you’re fighting the current, you forget how to live. And I wanted to reach you, but I don’t know where to begin.

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My job sucks. I hate waitressing. Do you guys have a job? If so, what do you work as?

1. I said I didn't cry much when you went away. I told you I can move on and I will be okay. I said I was happy when you found someone new. The sad thing is you believed me even if I didn't want you to.

2. I don't let my guard down. I built those walls up high, and they're not coming down anytime soon. Don't worry, you won't be crashing through them. You think you're special, you think that I'll let you in...well, you're wrong. Because no one is coming through, and I'm certainly not going out. I guess you could say I'm taking a break from feelings for a while.

3. That's what I find most strange about this world, nobody ever says how they feel. They hurt, but they don't cry out. They're happy, but they don't dance or jump around. And they're angry but they hardly ever scream, because they feel ashamed. Nothing's worse than that. So we all walk around with our heads looking down and never look up and see how beautiful the sky is.

4. I didn't reply - I couldn't reply. I was scared that if I opened my mouth, my insides would spill out of it and leave the shell of my body lying on the floor, jaw still set in an agonizingly tight grimace, eyes wide open and not quite wet. I knew that sometimes, broken hearts didn't mend themselves.

5. She never speaks her mind. Always holds it in, though it kills her inside. Because she's so scared of what they'll think of her. Too afraid she'll upset someone. In the end no-one gets hurt; no-one except her. So speak up. Don't be afraid, don't ever be scared to say what's on your mind. Don't keep it inside, because sooner or later it's gonna come out, and then you'll be wishing you'd said what you wanted to back then when it mattered the most.

6. Because I'm here. Right here, don't ever doubt that. I love you. Every single thing about you. I'm here, every step of the way. Don't be afraid to fall, because if you ever stumble, lose your balance I will always be there, rain or shine, to help pick you up and get you going again. To get you back on track, I will always be right behind you. I promise you I'll be there.

7. And you are beautiful in every single way. I would like to see your shining face every day. And if I'm lying, may lightning strike me down to the ground 'cause I don't need electric currents when you're around.

8. We're so different. We're hot and cold, fire and water. I'm loud, you're quiet. I talk, you listen. I'm crazy, you're sane, but that's why this works. You fill in my missing pieces and I complete you, and I guess that's why, despite the questions and the challenges, I still believe in us and I still believe in this. And as long as we have each other, I think we'll be alright.

9. If you're going to love me, love me deeply. If you're going to break my heart, then break it all. If you're going to care, care for me completely. If you decide not to hold me, then just let me fall. If you're going to stay, then stay forever and if you want to leave, then do it today. If you're going to change, change for the better and if you're going to talk, please mean what you say.

10. Give me something to believe in ‘cause I don’t believe in you anymore.

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Sorry I haven't posted in so long. I just finished moving back into my mom's house after fighting with my dad's psychotic girlfriend for so long. But anyway, how was your holiday? :)

1. You know that feeling? That feeling when you just want the right thing to fall into the right place, not only because it’s right, but because it will mean that such a thing is still possible? I want to believe that.

2. When I picked up the phone, I realized that out of the billions of people on the planet, you were the one I wanted to speak to the most. It was like the deepest part of me took control and said what it felt, unafraid of embarrassment or rejection or any of that other stuff that normally leaves me paralyzed with fear. I didn’t think. I just was.

3. See, you're a better person than I am, and it made me a better person to be around you. I don't know, maybe it was all just a dream. Maybe I woke up one lonely night in December and imagined it all. But I swear, nothing has ever felt so real. And if you get on that plane, I'll disappear forever. And I know we could both go on with our lives and we'd be fine. But I have seen what we could be together, and I choose us.

4. Regret comes in all shapes and sizes. Some are small, like when we do a bad thing for a good reason. Some are bigger, like when you let down a friend. Some of us escape the pain of regret by making the right choice. Some of us have little time for regret because we're looking forward to the future. Sometimes we have to fight to come to terms with the past, and sometimes we bury our regret by promising to change your own ways. But, our biggest regrets are not for the things we did - but, for the things we didn't do. Things we didn't say that could've saved someone that we care about. Especially when we can see the dark storm that's headed their way.

5. I’m not always as confident as I seem. There are many nights and many days when all I want is to be held. I love being held. Always. Sometimes I don’t want to talk about what is bothering me. Sometimes I just want a hug. Someone who will let me cry. I like when boys cry in front of me - when people aren’t afraid to show what they’re really feeling. I don’t like when people run from their true feelings because it doesn’t do anyone any good. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I am not naive. I know what it feels like to be completely broken and I am all too familiar with what it means to be hurt. I know what it’s like to see something funny and not laugh. I’ve been taken advantage of, used, and abused. My feelings have been blatantly disregarded. But I still believe that all people are good at heart. And my trust in people has not diminished. To be completely honest, I hope it never does. Ever.

6. What's worse than wanting something you can't have? It's not knowing what you want. Wishing on all the stars in the sky for the answers to your questions, for something to believe in... someone to hold. Having absolutely no control over yourself, being caught up in a place you wish you were miles away from. Being stuck somewhere between the past and the future, nowhere near where you should be - in the present. Stuck in yesterdays and tomorrows, so far from home, far from everything you know and love. The uncertainty could just tear you to bits.

7. Does it break my heart? Of course. Every moment of every day, into more pieces than my heart was made of. I never thought of myself as quiet, much less silent. I never thought about things at all. Everything changed, and that distance wedged itself between me and my happiness. It wasn't the world, and it wasn't the bombs and burning buildings. It was me and my thinking, the cancer of never letting go. Is ignorance bliss? I don't know, but it's so painful to think. And tell me, what did thinking ever do for me? To what place did thinking ever bring me? I think and I think and I think. I've thought myself out of happiness a million times, but never once into it.

8. I watch you from a distance. I remember all of those instances.. when you smile, when you laugh, when you crash, when I'm there to catch you when you fall. And I miss you, and I wish you were here. I stopped breathing when you said you don't care anymore. Tell me that you're doing fine. I still remember every time. And everyone I know will say, that you are always a part of me. And I miss you like you never knew.

9. So I stopped watching, I stopped caring. I lost all interest, and I stopped wearing these plastic smiles. I'll wash my hands clean. I'll forget that you forgot about me. And I'll live the life, the big city feeling, cause it's better than suburban dreaming. Living off the friends that hate you, who talk shit on me. Like I don't know who my real friends are anymore. No, I don't know you anymore.

10. I watched you sleeping quietly in my bed. You don't know this now, but there's some things that need to be said. It's all that I can hear, it's more than I can bear. What if I fall and hurt myself, would you know how to fix me? What if I went and lost myself, would you know where to find me? If I forgot who I am, would you please remind me? ‘Cause without you things go hazy.

You exist but do you live?

1. Please know there are much better things in life than being lonely or liked or bitter or mean or self-conscious. We are all full of shit. Go love someone just because. I know your heart may be badly bruised, or even the victim of numerous knifings, but it will always heal. Even if you don't want it to, it keeps going. There are the most fantastic, beautiful things and people out there, I promise. It is up to you to find them.

2. I swear to you I'll try my best. I won't let you fall. I won't let another goddamn tear run down your face. You're everything, and I need you to see that. I'm sorry I haven't treated you well in the past. I'm sorry I gave up on you. I'm here now, and I'm not going to sit back and watch you lose yourself this time. I promise you that. Let's get something straight here - I loved you. I loved you with everything I had in me, but it was never good enough for you. I was never good enough for you. I would have done anything to keep you by my side, but you pushed me away for so long that I gave up. I'm walking away from this and I can promise I'm never looking back. It's going to hurt and it's going to be tough, but I can't keep on going with the way things are between us. It's over, and it's been over for the longest time. We both just didn't want to believe it. As much as it kills me to say this, we aren't meant to be in each other's lives anymore. We aren't the same two people we used to be. We've changed. You're not the same boy I fell in love with. That boy... well, he's gone. So what's the point in loving him if he doesn't exist anymore? I wanted to be with the guy who fought for me more than anyone ever had, the guy who led me to believe that when I was with him I had nothing to worry about, the guy who I thought was different from all the rest. But it turns out, I was completely wrong. You left me so many times when I needed you the most. Every time I begged you to stay, you always found a reason to leave. So now, as you sit here begging me not to let go, I, for once, can't think of a reason to stay. Yeah, I do love you, but being in love with you isn't enough anymore. Our love isn't enough anymore. I have to walk away from this, even though it's probably going to destroy me.

3. I can’t help it. I can’t help caring. I’m forced. I’m too weak to restrain myself from you. I can’t help looking for you in a crowd. I can’t help thinking of you in the middle of night, day, or anytime at all. I can’t help wishing that you would love me. I can’t help waiting until the moment we talk again. I can’t help wanting to be more than just friends. I can’t help the way I love you. Although I wish I could. Sometimes I just wonder why I love you the way I do; but I don’t have a reason. I just simply fell in love with you.

4. I'm mad at myself, not you. I'm mad for always being nice, always apologizing for things I didn't do, for getting attached, for making you my life, depending on you, wasting my time on you, thinking about you, following you, changing for you, forgiving you, wishing for you, dreaming of you, and most of all for not hating you which I know I should, but can't.

5. I've been burdened by you for much too long. What started out as nothing is now, well, everything. You've taken over every single aspect of my life. Every little thing I do, everything just all comes down to you. I cry, scream, throw things and hurt myself all because of you. Nothing makes sense anymore and I just want to be happy again. I'd do anything.

6. I miss knowing you were always there. I miss the security. I miss the stupid fights that either made us shut up until next time or somehow made us stronger. I miss holding your hand. I miss biting your lip because I was so mad that you held back. I miss you holding back. I miss you not holding back. I miss your scruff and always being amazed that I walked away without severe beard-burn. I miss hearing you gasp and begging me to stop. I miss those nights when we didn’t want to stop. I miss getting so f-ing pissed at something you would say or do and trying to deal with it on my own until you made me fess up. I miss surprising you. I miss being surprised by the glimpses of your humanity every now and then. I miss the look you’d get when I’d touch your cheek. I miss how you thought you were so stealth with your mood changes when you really can’t hide them from me. I miss how I always knew where I stood. I think I miss your hugs the most. Didn’t need them often, but now when I do, it sucks to know you’re not around to give them.

I'm losing what's left of my dignity.

1. Somehow I wasn't meant to have you then, not even for a day. I tore my heart and skin out thinking about you, suffered through a life lived without you, hoping you'd come back when it was time.

2. I know it's a bit sudden okay, but yesterday was a great day. And I'm sitting on the bus, and I realize that none of my great days in my life matter without you. You're the one I want next to me when my dreams come true. You're the one I want next to me if they don't. As long as I have you, nothing else matters.

3. In the short time we spent together, we had what most people can only dream about, and I’m counting the days until I can see you again. Never forget how much I love you.

4. I’m sorry, but I love you so much. I hope I do end up with you, because I just can’t take it anymore. You’re always my mind, night and day. You’re such a distraction for me, even being miles and miles away. My future gets brought up often by everyone. What am I doing? Where am I going? I don’t know. I just know I want to be with you. These people here, they don’t get me. They don’t do it for me, they just don’t. I love you. I always have and I always will. I’ve always known it. I’ve always known that you were the one. And I can’t help myself anymore. I want to be with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I’m sick of feeling so lost, so misunderstood, feeling like I don’t belong. When you’re here, it all goes away. I need you. We can make it together, I know it. I have faith in you, in us. Whenever you’re ready, I’m here. I hope you realize one day that it’s me. Because I’m always going to be here. You’re the one.

5. I miss the simplicity of just being without trying, while everyone else was striving to be someone. I miss being accepted for who I am with you. I miss how it was natural to hold your hand. How we could feel each other smiling between kisses. How even when I asked for space, you knew enough to never leave. Now that you're gone, I seem to have more space than I know what to do with.

6. You've changed so much. I guess that's what happens. I wish you knew how much you've changed me. I wonder if I've changed you, if your life is different because of me.. because mine's different. My God, you taught me so much, and now we don't even talk to each other. I guess that's what happens.

7. You know that feeling of waiting for someone. I mean really waiting for someone - standing in front of a restaurant in the cold and having hundreds of people pass you on the sidewalk. And you don't want to do anything else, because you're afraid you might miss something - that somehow if you don't spot him right away, he'll walk right by. So you stand there and you don't do anything except think about how you're standing there. Occasionally you might look at your watch, or check your cell phone to see if it's accidentally on silent, even though you already checked for that a minute ago. That's what this is starting to feel like.

8. I'm sorry things went so downhill. We were so sure things were going to be amazing and spectacular, but now I'm starting to see everything I didn't want to believe. I'm sorry I stopped loving you. I'm sorry you did, too. Maybe things aren't meant to be. I'm going to miss you, but it's time we hold our heads high, bite our lips and get over each other. I think it's the best way. Maybe we'll find someone better. Then again, maybe we won't.

9. The way you make me feel is unlike anything I've ever experienced before. You make me feel like I'm dying and flying and living and that my heart just stopped beating but yet is pumping ninety miles per hour all in one moment. You make me feel invisible but vulnerable, but like nothing could ever bring me down. You make me feel like I'm free, and yet trapped by your every move. You leave me breathless, and yet are the only thing that keeps me breathing. You control my every thought, movement, heartbeat. You've got me, all of me, and that's all I can give.

10. You once decided that you didn't want me anymore, but I never gave up on you. And I have no idea why. I probably should have and I definitely wanted to. Maybe a little part of my heart knew that you would come around again.